User talk:Rhyvee
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the No One Will Remember Your Name page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! Jay ten (talk) 21:31, May 27, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:33, May 27, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story Starting with the basics, your story was a massive wall of text. You need to space between paragraphs. Dialogue should also be spaced apart. Wording errors: "I payed for us" (Paid, payed has a different meaning.), "The casinos and amusement parks were beaconing (beckoning) us" (Beaconing implies a warning signal while you are using it more as something that is drawing them in.), etc. Story issues: "The only thing that ran through my mind while touring it had been that it would be perfect for YouTube." That needs some explanation, how and to what end? The story feels rushed in segments (mainly the blacking out and this scene: "That’s when everything paused except for Gen, Mark, those people and I. We got up and had a choice. Kill the people that would have killed us or let them live." That seems like quite a jump to make after just waking up.) Descriptive issues: "Blood was pouring out of his mouth in what seemed to be at a few gallons per second." A bit overkill on the amount of blood. "Another guy started to walk away. After he got about 5 steps out, he was launched into his bed and everything continued. The doctor, sadly, didn’t have any anesthetics. The doctor shoved his hands through the man’s chest and tore it apart. He pulled the heart out and put it in a glass jar. This was only the first night." Really the lack of explanation makes this scene hard to follow and being a large paragraph makes it even more difficult. Story issues cont: "“Guys! Guys! Guys!” I called out as I woke up. “Did we have the same dream?”" That seems like a completely off thing to assume that everyone had the same specific dream and not something like: "I had the weirdest dream." The story jumps around from Vegas to the hospital (dream) to home and then to the woods without much in way of transitions. "We had a normal day and stayed home at night. It didn’t help. The woods." It is an interesting concept but you are way too rushed in the delivery. The characters are too in-tune with this odd circumstances. "“Just look forward and don’t mourn,” Mark ordered. “Mourning is what killed him. Tonight’s theme is remembrance and emotional strength.”" How would Mark be able to pick that out so quickly? (Especially since he was just told of the dream situation a few sentences earlier. There are also a number of events that need to be more tied into the story as they come off like non-sequitors without explanation. "Mark and I had gone to Nevada because of Fallout: New Vegas." I know the game is set there, but some explanation should be given why that is important to the protagonists. (Their favorite game?), "Mark and I decided to go to a casino. We walked in with a thousand dollars. At 7 at night, we walked out. $250,000 was earned that day." The money plays no role and doesn't advance the plot any. "We stopped searching years ago. That’s when we were arrested for murder. (Mark's murder? If so, why after seven years are they now being arrested?) That was when we came out about what happened. We’re now in a mental institution in western Nevada." I would suggest taking this to the writer's workshop for some more in-depth feedback and help with fleshing out the plot. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 22:28, May 27, 2015 (UTC)